Broken

I’ve lost my faith. I’ve stumbled and wondered far from the path I once stood steadfast on. For weeks now, I’ve been crying out to the Lord – I couldn’t feel him, I honestly didn’t think he was there anymore. I’ve been halfheartedly walking my children through bible stories I wasn’t listening to, and even teaching my daughter the characters of a Godly child when I couldn’t find them in myself. During a recent trip to McKay’s, I picked up a new bible- A women’s devotional bible, hoping it would give me inspiration… cure what ails me. But I brought it home and left it sitting in the bag. Then, I hit the bottom of my pit of despair.

Yesterday, I lost it. We had a family birthday dinner to attend in the evening. I had been up since 5 o’clock making the cake, perfecting every little detail. A had dance class, so we dropped her off, and B and I came back home to get dressed and ready for dinner. We had an hour… NOTHING went as I had planned! B fell asleep in the car, leaving me with a very. cranky. toddler. Clothes weren’t where I thought they were, B decided to go #2 just as soon as I got him changed and dressed, and then (dun dun dunhhhh), just as we were walking out the door to go pick A up, I realized I wasn’t wearing my wedding rings. I hurried back in to grab them from where I thought I had left them, but they weren’t there. I began searching all the usual spots I take them off – The kitchen window sill, the mantle, the dresser… They just weren’t there. I was frantic! Sobbing, I tore through the house searching high and low. I questioned B a dozen times, “Where did you put Mommy’s rings?!?!” It had to be him, right? I couldn’t have been so careless to lose something so sentimental, so irreplaceable. As I was searching, B climbed up and knocked a bowl of screws off the kitchen counter, and that’s when it happened… I snapped.
I did something so shameful, I’m hesitant to admit it, it hurts to put the words to paper. I completely lost it. I did the one thing I’ve never done in my almost 8 years as a parent – I cursed at my child. I yelled, “DAMN IT, BEN! CAN’T YOU LEAVE ANYTHING ALONE!?!?” Immediately, I was ashamed. I saw the hurt in those sweet two year old eyes, and I knew just how wrong I was, how broken I had become. I was so upset and frantic over my wedding rings… Delusionally so, but never once have I been this hurt over losing my faith – the thing I have clung to and depended on since early childhood. I sobbed harder. I cried out to God to forgive me, begged him to fix me. I opened my heart and soul to him. I held B, hugging him, telling him how sorry I was, how much I loved him, and how inherently wrong I had been. I couldn’t sleep last night. I had so much on my heart that I had tried to hide from Him for so long, while I just went through the motions. I sat in front of the fire praying and crying, feeling the sweet peace and release only He can give a person.

This morning, I pulled out that new bible and decided to read. I prayed that the Lord would open my mind and heart for me to receive his word and message for me, and the wisdom and ability to apply it to my life. I opened my bible to Proverbs and began to read. Whoa! Overwhelming doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions I felt as I read. It was as if every other verse was written specifically for me!

Proverbs 1:7 – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
Ouch, what a fool I have been.
Then it was Proverbs 3:5-6 that struck a cord. – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Yes God! Oh how my paths have meandered. I’ve been so full of pride, I stopped turning to You for guidance.

Proverbs 3:28- Do not say to your neighbor, “come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow” – when you now have it with you.
Big ouch! How many times a day do I put my children or my husband off, saying “not now, later?” All. The. Time! Okay God, I’m listening, I’ve got a lot of things I need to work on.

Proverbs 4:4 – “Lay hold of my words with all your heart; Keep my commands and you will live.”
This one hit particularly hard. I’ve literally been dying inside; Spiritually dead. I’ve felt it throughout every single day, but I’ve ignored it and continued to live my way.

Proverbs 4:18 – The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, showing brightness till the full light of the day.
I remember that feeling! Oh God, how I miss that, I covet that brightness again!

Proverbs 4:23-24 – Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk from your lips.
That stung, bad. Not only has my mouth been corrupt, but that corruption has now been spilled onto my child.

Proverbs 5:21 – For a man’s ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths.
I tried for so long to hide my heart, my thoughts, my sins from the Lord, but He knew, He was there all along, and He loved me anyway – He showed me signs, but I chose to ignore them.

Proverbs 6:23 – For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are a way of life.
This one hit me SO hard. I mean knees-to-the-floor- tears-streaming-down-cheeks HARD. My Heavenly Father has given me directions and guidance which I chose to stray from. He has rebuked me and I have had to suffer the punishment I’ve brought on myself by my actions. Just as it is my job as a Mother to set rules, correct and discipline my children, teach them right from wrong, my Father has done the same for me. How am I to lead my children down the path of righteousness when I’m wondering lost in the woods?

I have broken my soul. I’ve wondered lost for far too long, and I’m ready to come home. Just as with a broken bone, I needed to be “set” to receive healing, and it will take time to heal completely. I may even have  some setbacks along the road, but I have the crutches I need, and the Ultimate Healer as my Physician, and I am confident I’m on the right path.

Here goes…

Hi, my name is Hannah! This is my first venture into the blogging world and I’m a bit out of my element. Wordsmith I am not – On a good day, I capitalize and use correct punctuation. However, I feel that God is calling me to share my journey. I’ve hit many stumbling blocks on my walk with Him, I’ve even ventured WAY off the path a time or two. In the last year or two, I’ve just been going through the motions while I struggled to find him in my life. And while I opened my eyes enough to see a peek of him a few times, I had built my wall so tall, I just couldn’t keep peeking over it. Yesterday, that wall came crumbling down and I found myself broken and stumbling back on the path to His light. My hopes are that this blog will serve His will, as well as a journal of sorts, a catharsis as I find my way back home. I hope anyone who reads it will find kinship, comfort, and the Holy Spirit in my journey.  So, here we go……..